So much happened the past 3 days.

I'm glad it's cleared. I'm glad I don't feel lost now. I'm glad, at least I know what I'm going to do. ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I've been damn emo the past 3 days. I cried nonstop. I cried like I'm going to die tomorrow or something. Srsly. Shows how much J means to me.

I MISS J I MISS J I MISS J I MISS J I MISS J.

You know, I feel damn stupid........................................................................................

AND LIKE I PROBABLY BROUGHT THIS ALL UPON MYSELF.

LIKE WHY THE HECK DIDN'T I TREASURE HIM IN THE PAST JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE CAME INTO THE PICTURE (!!!) Horrible me~ AND SO MUCH FOR THINKING HARSH METHODS DON'T ALWAYS WORK. Time speaks all and it did. It's just me, my methods never work. Then like, I ALWAYS never fail to screw things up and stir trouble.

It's like there's always trouble when I'm around. And I always end up hurting people I shouldn't hurt. Not cherishing people who cherish you. I probably deserve all the shit la. But I'm looking at it differently now. Sorted out my thoughts and, I'M GOING TO MAKE MYSELF DO WHAT I NEED TO DO EVEN IF IT'S GOING TO COST MY LIFE.

It's so true, you'll never learn to appreciate until you've lost it.

Idk why he's being cold towards me.
Idk when he's going to stop.
Idk how I'm going to live with this.
Idk what I'm going to face.
Idk where in his heart I went to.

I just know as long as I'm determined to do it, he'll be mine. And I'll never let go of him again. Why? Because when you love someone, you love him along with his imperfections. No more grumbling, Heidi. J's like the BEST OF THE BEST. I'll make him mind, that's really all that matters now.

I HATE THE THOUGHT THAT I'M SACRIFICING MY BESTFRIEND. It may look like I am sacrificing him but wtf, I never ever ever ever ever sacrifice ANY of my friends because they mean alot to me. My bestfriend's so hurt now but what can I do? To stop hurting him, I've no choice but to do this. I know he knows I don't want to do this but I have to.

I know it hurts him alot but he'll come to realise it's for his good one day.

I know I'm selfish. But I really can't let go of J.

THIS IS THE HARSHEST THING I EVER DID TO A FRIEND. But that's the only thing I can do to minimise his hurt. It's like you never wanted things to turn out like that. But it has and you need to do something about it. Even though it sucks, you have to do it. What to do? I can't seem to trust myself anymore. I suck at solving problems.

SO UNFAIR I KNOW. People can solve problems so well, I need to like learn my lesson before getting it into my head.

I hope we'll still be the best of friends.

I hope J will come back to me.

I want J to bring me eat fishball noodles again. I want J to take bus with me from Jurong to Bedok. I want J to read storybooks to me at night. I want J to say I'm pretty. I want J to cook me prawn mee. I want J to go Australia with me. I want J to call me everynight. I want J to send me chessy messages. I want J to bring me out on shopping sprees. I want J to buy me contact lenses...HEHE. I want J to say I love you to me.

J did so much for me. ALL I EVER DID WAS COMPLAIN. WL I SUCK RIGHT.

I want to be there when J needs me. I want to be J's guardian angel. I want to protect J from all the needles and treatments. I want to be present at J's hospital visits. I want to take care of J even if it means the world to me. I want J to know I'm always there for him. I want J to be alright.

I really don't care what she means to you.

I MISS J, I NEVER MISSED SOMEONE SO MUCH BEFORE. It's been a long time I cried so much. It's the first time my brother saw me crying over a boy -_-.

HEIDI, JIAYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss my bestfriend too, I hope he is alright. It's like you want to tell him that but you can't cause you know once you say it, everything will go out of control. I just miss my bestfriend as much as you miss your bestfriend.

With God, anything is possible.

With this major major shit that has happened, many relationships become stronger.
0 friendships has been lost. And at the end of the day, good or bad, you thank God for this day.

NOTE TO SELF:
Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.

I'm happy.

"In relationships, you never know whether or not it'll ever end. You wish it'd last forever. Sometimes, life doesn't go the way we want it to be. But when that happens, let go, for you know God has prepared a perfect path for you. As for now, just appreciate and never take anyone for granted. Don't live life with regrets."

I love you Joel Lim.