Hi there! ;> Blogging before I continue with the exams. I just need some time away to reflect on ...everything. Am so overwhelmed by all thats happening around me. Everything's falling apart. And it's bothering me so much. I've been trying to get it off my mind, it's not working. Try to occupy myself with smses, msn, twittering even playing the stupid sushi game on miniclip.com (the boringest game ever) - isn't helping. I'll still have to face it when I lie down on bed at night. I seriously think too much ~ Sometimes I wish I'll just let everything go easily and take it all lightly. It just means too much. Sigh. I don't even know how I'm feeling there's just too many things I want to say. And it's so complicated.
No, I'm not depressed. I'm just reflecting~~~ So this is not an emo post. No I'm not going to slash myself after this or drink myself to sleep or cry till my eyes get puffy and I'll look like a zombie tomorrow at school. I'm not going to attempt to commit suicide after this I'm not so stupid. And I know it'll all go away in a blink of an eye. What's yours stays. What goes isn't yours and was never yours. Truly believe in that. (:
Just why. Why are y'all always giving excuses. If you don't need me you can just fucking tell me. You don't have to beat around the bush -_-. You don't tell me you're lousy, I don't deserve you, I can't make you happy or what if ...this happens or that happens, I don't care. Why is it always the same few things boys end up saying. "I'm not worthy, you'll find someone better, forget me you'll be happier." Yes I'll be alot happier wow. "What if we have nothing left to talk about, what if we stop talking, what if what if what if." If you want me in your life, all these won't be what you're saying. I feel so trashy. You're just making it sound like you want me you need me but we've no choice but to part -_-.
All the same.
Parents. I hate them. Okay, I'm starting to hate everyone in life. Gotta stop the hating. My parents, they're so biased. They love my siblings more than they love me. I know I sound damn childish but who does not want their parents to treat them all the same. It's not like I'm the dumbest of the family, it's not like I've never made them proud. Maybe I'm never good enough in their eyes. My sister can get a fucking DSLR for scoring below 10 for her N level results. Hello I got a 9 and what did I get??? A stupid 100 dollar. I didn't complain okay~ My friends would get $200 each for an A or get at $500 for scoring below 15. Yes, okay my dad brought me to Sipadan to dive($2000) It wasn't what I wanted but I guess I was contented well at least it was an experience. But this time, I'm just not happy. My sister wants a DSLR she gets it. And it's for an N level paper ok. Wtf??? Like this I would've gone to N levels so I can get twice of what you gave me. -_-.
So what do I get for a GPA 3??? Nothing. YES HE SAID NOTHING. Ikr. He said I've too many things already. Guess what. A laptop. Hello wtf ok I NEED the laptop I didn't WANT it. Need and want are worlds apart. If I knew this'd happen I would've have gotten this stupid laptop. It's not like my sister NEEDS a DSLR right -_-. Even my brother gets something for an A he gets... and hello he's taking his PSLE. So ridiculous right??? It's so obvious they're being biased.
I know I'm being very calculative and I hate the way I am now but I just can't help thinking about how unfair it is. I mean like if you're gonna treat me like this why do you fucking care about my whereabouts everytime I'm out. What time I've to come home, where and who am I going out with. So you only show me "care" when you don't like what I'm doing? My sister gets to study at the airport with her friends for a day, stayover then back to study at airport for another day till 7. That's more than 24 hours out. And what happens if she isn't back by 7? She doesn't even get a nag. They're like so lenient towards her you should've heard how they talked to her that day. -_-. If that was me, Icould've would've been grounded.
Yes, grounded. Because I am back 15 minutes later than the time I'm supposed to be home - 7. Yes, you're right, fifteen minutes, fifteen, one five. See how sucky my life is. You totally don't want to me right? Me too but I'll just have to live with it.
Oh and did I mention hows it like when I started work? They took my pay and only gave me a portion. Told me to pay for my transport, which basically covers up everything I got in total. So basically, I'm working to pay for going to work. They banked in the rest of my money, in my bank account, I'm not blaming them for banking it in because at the end of the day they're helping me save up for the future. But at least give me some of my pay to spend on things I want right??? It's not like I don't deserve it.
And I don't always ask them for money for shopping ok~ I rightfully know that I've to depend on myself if I want to get something unnecessary. Back in secondary school, I had $25 a week so I hardly blogshopped. Then I decided to purchase this dress online it was so pretty it could kill I starved myself the whole week just to get it. Coincidentally, my brother lost his money in his piggy bank and the first person they accused - ME. Just cause I got that dress. They never believed me, till now. I'm just a trashy child in their eyes.
I'm just the rotten apple, the one no one'll choose to have. The one thats the eldest, the one thats supposed to show a good example but does not even make up an example her siblings should follow I'm just trashy and they wish I didn't belong to them.
Even if I get a GPA 4 they won't be proud of me. So why am I still studying hard for the exams? Ikr. I'm so stupid but it's just for myself. Don't worry when I grow up and I am able to support myself independently, I won't dump my parents for money or fame I know without my parents I wouldn't be here today and I'm sincerely grateful.
Maybe after you read this, you'll look at me at a different way - in a bad way. Because it's like I don't bury the hatchet and I don't forgive people easily. Honestly, I really can't forget how unfair they treat me sometimes it just hurts me so bad. Thinking of these everytime something similar happens is inevitable. You'll know it if you've experienced it. Anyway, I'm just ranting. I'm aware of what I already have and I know this could've all been worse. This is just the way my life is.
If I had a choice to choose if I still want them as my parents, I'd still choose to lead my life with them as my parents. Because I won't be like them when I grow up and maybe, have kids myself. That's not the only reason okay~ It's not like I've never felt love from them at all.
You know something I just think too much. I always think too much.
Enough. Shall continue studying. I feel so much better letting everything out~
And you, just go if you don't want me in your life because staying won't make you happy anyway.
No, I'm not depressed. I'm just reflecting~~~ So this is not an emo post. No I'm not going to slash myself after this or drink myself to sleep or cry till my eyes get puffy and I'll look like a zombie tomorrow at school. I'm not going to attempt to commit suicide after this I'm not so stupid. And I know it'll all go away in a blink of an eye. What's yours stays. What goes isn't yours and was never yours. Truly believe in that. (:
Just why. Why are y'all always giving excuses. If you don't need me you can just fucking tell me. You don't have to beat around the bush -_-. You don't tell me you're lousy, I don't deserve you, I can't make you happy or what if ...this happens or that happens, I don't care. Why is it always the same few things boys end up saying. "I'm not worthy, you'll find someone better, forget me you'll be happier." Yes I'll be alot happier wow. "What if we have nothing left to talk about, what if we stop talking, what if what if what if." If you want me in your life, all these won't be what you're saying. I feel so trashy. You're just making it sound like you want me you need me but we've no choice but to part -_-.
All the same.
Parents. I hate them. Okay, I'm starting to hate everyone in life. Gotta stop the hating. My parents, they're so biased. They love my siblings more than they love me. I know I sound damn childish but who does not want their parents to treat them all the same. It's not like I'm the dumbest of the family, it's not like I've never made them proud. Maybe I'm never good enough in their eyes. My sister can get a fucking DSLR for scoring below 10 for her N level results. Hello I got a 9 and what did I get??? A stupid 100 dollar. I didn't complain okay~ My friends would get $200 each for an A or get at $500 for scoring below 15. Yes, okay my dad brought me to Sipadan to dive($2000) It wasn't what I wanted but I guess I was contented well at least it was an experience. But this time, I'm just not happy. My sister wants a DSLR she gets it. And it's for an N level paper ok. Wtf??? Like this I would've gone to N levels so I can get twice of what you gave me. -_-.
So what do I get for a GPA 3??? Nothing. YES HE SAID NOTHING. Ikr. He said I've too many things already. Guess what. A laptop. Hello wtf ok I NEED the laptop I didn't WANT it. Need and want are worlds apart. If I knew this'd happen I would've have gotten this stupid laptop. It's not like my sister NEEDS a DSLR right -_-. Even my brother gets something for an A he gets... and hello he's taking his PSLE. So ridiculous right??? It's so obvious they're being biased.
I know I'm being very calculative and I hate the way I am now but I just can't help thinking about how unfair it is. I mean like if you're gonna treat me like this why do you fucking care about my whereabouts everytime I'm out. What time I've to come home, where and who am I going out with. So you only show me "care" when you don't like what I'm doing? My sister gets to study at the airport with her friends for a day, stayover then back to study at airport for another day till 7. That's more than 24 hours out. And what happens if she isn't back by 7? She doesn't even get a nag. They're like so lenient towards her you should've heard how they talked to her that day. -_-. If that was me, I
Yes, grounded. Because I am back 15 minutes later than the time I'm supposed to be home - 7. Yes, you're right, fifteen minutes, fifteen, one five. See how sucky my life is. You totally don't want to me right? Me too but I'll just have to live with it.
Oh and did I mention hows it like when I started work? They took my pay and only gave me a portion. Told me to pay for my transport, which basically covers up everything I got in total. So basically, I'm working to pay for going to work. They banked in the rest of my money, in my bank account, I'm not blaming them for banking it in because at the end of the day they're helping me save up for the future. But at least give me some of my pay to spend on things I want right??? It's not like I don't deserve it.
And I don't always ask them for money for shopping ok~ I rightfully know that I've to depend on myself if I want to get something unnecessary. Back in secondary school, I had $25 a week so I hardly blogshopped. Then I decided to purchase this dress online it was so pretty it could kill I starved myself the whole week just to get it. Coincidentally, my brother lost his money in his piggy bank and the first person they accused - ME. Just cause I got that dress. They never believed me, till now. I'm just a trashy child in their eyes.
I'm just the rotten apple, the one no one'll choose to have. The one thats the eldest, the one thats supposed to show a good example but does not even make up an example her siblings should follow I'm just trashy and they wish I didn't belong to them.
Even if I get a GPA 4 they won't be proud of me. So why am I still studying hard for the exams? Ikr. I'm so stupid but it's just for myself. Don't worry when I grow up and I am able to support myself independently, I won't dump my parents for money or fame I know without my parents I wouldn't be here today and I'm sincerely grateful.
Maybe after you read this, you'll look at me at a different way - in a bad way. Because it's like I don't bury the hatchet and I don't forgive people easily. Honestly, I really can't forget how unfair they treat me sometimes it just hurts me so bad. Thinking of these everytime something similar happens is inevitable. You'll know it if you've experienced it. Anyway, I'm just ranting. I'm aware of what I already have and I know this could've all been worse. This is just the way my life is.
If I had a choice to choose if I still want them as my parents, I'd still choose to lead my life with them as my parents. Because I won't be like them when I grow up and maybe, have kids myself. That's not the only reason okay~ It's not like I've never felt love from them at all.
You know something I just think too much. I always think too much.
Enough. Shall continue studying. I feel so much better letting everything out~
And you, just go if you don't want me in your life because staying won't make you happy anyway.
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